Chip to Shore
by Chip Ahoy
Every four years we pretend to care about the America's Cup Yacht Race. Why, is it the name? Somehow we feel compelled to watch rich guys play with their toys. It can't be much of a sporting event when you consider a guy like Ted Turner could win on Courageous in 77. Remember, this is the same sap who married Jane Fonda and then got fired as the Braves manager after only one game. He owned the club.
There had to be something more to yachting than what meets the eye. To investigate this phenomenon, I went undercover and in costume to a local yacht club to find the truth. My attire was typical, a navy blue blazer adorned with a golden emblem. I wore a captain's hat, white slacks, dockers and of course, an ascot. To pull off my ruse, however, I had to learn their strange nautical language. Failure to do so would blow my cover and forever label me a landlubber.
Study complete, "her stern pointed heavenly skyward uplifting her aft into a shapely wake", I set out to unlock the secrets of the sea. At the MHPYC I stowed away on a corner bar stool, sipped Salty Dogs, and listened to the tars as they come ashore each evening. It was a very eye opening experience. I learned, for example, that a portsider actually means something other than an aging, soft tossing lefty from the bullpen. As I became more accepted by the membership, I began to ask the hard hitting questions of a seasoned journalist. Does Lipton Tea still have a photo of the yacht that lost eight times on its box? What ever happened to Dennis Conner, the first American to lose? Did he get the Jimmy Hoffa treatment?
Through my research, I discovered the truth to yachting and its appeal. When analyzed, it really isn't that much different than golf (I know you were all wondering how I was going to get this back to golf). It appears yachtsmen, sailors and boat enthusiasts have the same goals. It isn't their love for the ocean, scent of the sea air or the cool lingo, it is much simpler than that. "Hey skipper, my wife hates it! She never wants to go out there with me. I have four or five hours of carte blanche, plus the bar here is very yawl," said an unnamed source.
So there you have it. By the way, I am the new port captain, boat drinks on the starboard rail.