Corkscrews and Sunblock
by Chips All In
The grill is a different place during the dreaded dark days of sport. That awful lull between Super Bowl Sunday and March Madness where conversations tend to be superficial and forced. The networks are to blame. Winter, infomercials and Ellen rule the airwaves. Ice dancing and Michael Bolton on every channel. It is a harrowing time.
It was during this athletic plague, influenza, black lung and pink eye have nothing on Jerry Springer, that I became engaged in a rather lively debate. Those members, brave enough to endure a sports drought of biblical proportions, began wondering what was golf's most important invention.
A couple of the slap hitters, no names need be mentioned, suggested it was the graphite shaft. Others chimed in with the usual golf channel nonsense of ball material and rescue clubs. One non member claimed it was sub fours which summarily got him cut off from the bar. This question intrigued me. I ordered a double, I am in Mel's good graces, and pushed the issue.
Deeper analysis, as is the wont of an erudite club such as this, provided much more astute answers. John Jurgins, recently back from a two week Valentine's Day date, claimed golf's most important invention was Viagra. I pressed John, from a distance in case that four hour window was still active, for a more details. He said, "After golf and the 19th hole a man needs a reason to go home." This response got head nods of approval from all in attendance including the two women in the corner watching Oprah.
John Arnot, unimpressed with this answer, said it was sunblock. Blue Lou offered in with Vodka, and so it went.
To settle this issue, I placed a collect call to the Royal and Ancient for guidance. The answer must lie with Old Tom Morris, so I asked a rather condescending British chap what was in Tom's bag. He said he carried six clubs, three gutta percha golf balls, a flask and two corkscrews. Two corkscrews, I asked in astonishment, why two. Somehow he mustered up even more attitude and said, why the front and back nines, of course.
The question remains unanswered, but at least tip off time is near.