I Dream of the Limited Genie
by Chip Cellars
Golf can be a harsh and unforgiving game if you don't know your limitations. It can also swing toward a mystic level understood only by gurus and one handicappers. Let me try to explain. Last Saturday was a typical day of smack talking and bet making at the club. I wondered, out loud, if SteveO knew he was wearing hot pants. He of course knew this, but was curious which leaked more oil, my golf swing of the Exxon Valdez? The game was a foot.
It was a normal day, dogs at the turn, two down auto presses, discussion of the Euro, the G-8, and secret Mensa stuff only golfers know about. There was nothing out of the ordinary, yet. It was on 18 when things got weird. My shot was teetering on the edge of the lake when a bottle floated up to and then circled the area of my ball. Floating bottles are not uncommon here. One clubhouse wag speculated the bottle either dropped from Sandy's cab or more likely, fell out of one the Andersen's golf bag, dad included.
I fished this strangely ornate bottle from the lake and strictly for research purposes, I uncorked it. Instead of finding an exotic Bacchanalian elixir, I discovered an unshaven, unkempt, uncouth genie. I was dumbfounded. "We've had budget cuts too, he said. Who were you expecting Barbara Eden?" Genies, he told me, are ranked by their abilities, appearance, and intelligence. The better the genie, the better the assignment. "You can think of me as your Kaiser Permanente genie, I'm only as good as your coverage."
"Ok, I said, how about the standard, a harem, a better golf swing and a ton of money." "Very nice, said the genie, you have chosen the Cabo Nick Lucas package. This was a very popular plan before STD's. Let me check your coverage. Well, I can only get you two women for your harem, Roseann Barr and Hillary Clinton. Why them I protested. You see, they are both politicians and will do almost anything for a vote. How about the other stuff, I said. Your plan is very limited, you will be lucky to get the deposit back on this bottle. The good news is that I can fix your golf swing. As a matter of fact, the last guy I fixed golfs on television. "A pro, I said excitedly, is it Phil, Luke Donald maybe even Jack?" No, he said, it was Charles somebody and he used to play basketball.
Frustrated by the limitations I put the cork back in the bottle and sold it to SteveO. I came away from this episode a bit more humble and a lot more grateful for what I do have. As for SteveO, I heard he went with the 80's hairband package, complete with Spandex. Rock on!