There Is No Covid In The Chimney
By Chip Cringle
I was summoned by several senior reindeers to meet Santa at an undisclosed location. Although I am a personal friend of the Big Fella, and have twice appeared on the Nice List (1970, 2008). I was still subjected to a search, a blindfold, and a mid-level vodka tonic. Security was tight. Rudy, his top deer, explained the reasons for all the added precautions. “These politically correct groups are bogging us down in a mountain of red tape. One group of Amazons wants to rename the Christmas season to something called The Peak Package Experience. Others say Santa’s beloved suit is offensive to anorexics and color blind people.
“We can’t win, Chip”, said an exhausted Rudy. Red entered the room, ranting and raving, looking gaunt and a far cry from jolly. He ask me to sit. Using my good judgement, I chose the high back red leather club as I suspected, correctly, that his lap and my wish list were not open today. Sorry supermodels. “Chip”, he said, “California has a curfew, hunters have doubled in Montana and that whack job in North Korea has nukes. Protestors are in front of the toy shop, something to do with non sustainable lumber and sweat shops in Belize. Do I even go to Belize? RUDY!”
“Easy food giant”, I said. (I knew this would get his attention). “You have to focus on the big picture. Children worldwide, especially those at PCGC, have always believed in you and your good work. Cabo Nick is adamant that all of his girlfriends, foreign or domestic, wear Santa hats year round. This kind of devotion is felt throughout the club. You remember ’that’ Christmas party at the Sand Bar, don’t you?”
“Chubs, you’re more essential now the ever before, get yourself together man. First thing, upgrade your vodka.” A belly laugh erupted that shook the walls of his hideout. He laughed so hard and loud, the Elf Elite, his security force, rushed into the room with their mini Uzis at the ready, only to find a jolly fat man full of life.
“This is going to be a great Christmas men”, Santa exclaimed, sipping on an upgraded V&T.
Merry Chipmas